That phone call - 16 April

So, I'm fat, dumb, & happy; at work on Wednesday morning. Remembering that I'm not supposed to pick up anything heavy... after reloading the 5 gal water cooler several times in the previous days... youch! I can kind of feel a tinge of very mild pain where that polyp was...

I'm transitioning to a new program at work and one of the guys from the new program is in my cube with me showing some of the software framework that needs filling. I get a call around 8:30 or 9:00 a.m. It's Dr. Blinkoff with the pathologists results. Well, my first thought is - this can't be good because the doc is calling, not his medical assistant... I had a lump in my throat and started shaking... I left my cube to get in an area that wasn't so quiet you can hear a pin drop. That and Frank was in my cube.

So most of the rest of the phone call is a bit blurry. I just remember the doc telling me that the path results came back showing cancer in the polyp and that they feel it was probably contained in the polyp but to be safe, they want to do a resection. I'm still trying to digest the C word and just thinking to myself - "fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh... for goodness sake!" Okay, you know what I said... I was nearly in tears and I was shaking. I felt cold. I told him I had a feeling. He was surprised p "how'd you know?" My reply was - "just a sinking feeling I had the other day". Really, it was one of those shower epiphanies where I had this feeling that he'd call me and tell me I had cancer. Of course, I brushed that aside since I tend to think of worse case scenarios all too often. Blinkoff continues on to explain our next steps. CT scan and blood test asap to make sure that there is no more cancer. {um, excuse me?! more cancer?! fme! } I had to do yet another colonoscopy so that he could mark the polyp area with India ink {woah! Tattoo number 5!} Meet with a surgeon - one that Blinkoff knows and is good; he trusts the guy. Yeah, okay... uh-huh... "Doc, this is freaking me out!" He knows... he's had to make this phone call before. He reassures me that since I'm young and we caught it early, it's a no brainer; piece of cake; I'll be fine, no problem, Habi! He said that he wanted to make sure Deb wouldn't worry either {he's been treating Debs for her GI problems for the past few years and he knows what a worry wort she is}. I was worried that she would freak out too.

Blinkoff is curious what brought me in for a colonoscopy at such a young age? (50 is usually the recommended age in the U.S. to come in for your first one. Kind of like guys having their first "digital rectal exam" at age 40). I told him about Uncle Jim and his bout with colon cancer 3 years prior. {yeah, I've gone over this in the previous blog, so I won't repeat what I thought about the chances...}

So a million thoughts go through my head in a nanosecond... okay, maybe not quite that quick. I mean, I'm freaking out, but how's Deb going to handle this... and the kids? Daniella cried when I went to Dallas for 2 days... how will she react to this? Will I be able to be active in Iain's Scout Troop still? Damn! Soccer! I'm done with soccer for the season and we just flipping started! Damn!

So, I get off the phone - Blinkoff's medical assistant is going to call with appointments. I go back to my desk obviously looking not too normal. Franks asks if I'm okay - I guess I was visibly shaken. I sure felt like it. I felt pale. I plopped down in my chair, dropped my cell phone on my desk and said "nope, I have cancer... f--k!" {oops, that slipped out!} Frank asked if I wanted to stop and I just wanted to press on and try to put things out of my mind for now... I didn't want to think about it and didn't know what else to do but proceed with work.

Josie, the medical assistant, called shortly after to set up appointments. They were moving fast on this. I had to do a CT/CAT scan the next day, I had a blood test to take another colonoscopy and then I could meet with the surgeon. I gave Josie the times that work best - afternoons, after work. Okay, fine... A few hours later, everything was scheduled.

I was kind of in la-la land for the rest of the day. In disbelief more than denial. Pissed off, scared, mad, bewildered, all sorts of feelings went through me that day. Everything and anything you can feel, I felt it that day.

One of the first things I did was send an email to my cousin's Nicola & Andrew to let them know and warn them that if this is hereditary, they need to get checked. It was their dad, after all, who had the colon cancer. The doc that treated Uncle Jim said that since he had it in his 70's, no one had to worry about it; family wouldn't be high risk.... yeah, whatever. Most doctors are like weather forecasters - they're just guessing...

On the way home from work, I had to stop by the radiologists (Radiology, Ltd) to pick up some yummy stuff to drink - some barium goo that shines nicely in x-rays. It was better than the Trilyte, I'll tell you that! And less to drink too!

So, the moment of reckoning was after work. I had to tell Deb & the kids. How do you tell someone that you have cancer? I'm still trying to figure it out because I still really haven't come to terms with it yet, I guess. Maybe not that so much as it's unfamiliar territory to me... I've had headaches - those are easy to tell people about. The flu - yeah, that's easy to talk about. But the C word?! WTF-O?! {what the .. heck... over?}

So, I have my own way of dealing with things and told Deb about it and tried to explain to the kids. Did I do a good job - of course not! The way I was acting, Deb thought I didn't want to talk about it... but I needed to; I just didn't know it. {even though I was told by a friend who is a cancer survivor that I need to talk and get it out there... } Well, we're talking about it now and yeah, I feel better. Of course, this didn't happen until Sunday...

So, I told my dad and since I had more questions than answers, let's wait to tell mom, she's been through enough this year with her brother dying suddenly. She has her own health issues too that mess with her emotions... so, we decided to wait until we had most of the answers - especially the part about the surgery.

I think I sent an email to Denise since I still had a hard time discussing the issue. Emails are easy... you just type stuff in and hit send... no emotion and you can take your time typing.

Wednesday night, I didn't get much sleep...